Random thoughts...

Random thoughts...

If your life took the shape of forever, what form would you be? If forever were a planet, how far would you go to reach it?

I have seen and not known. I smile for what? In the sky, there is a show. God put it there. There is no God? What do you say? You of little imagination. You have not painted something so lovely and grand. Until that time, I continue to believe in His glory.

The sky, a wonder/ Your eyes, my breath/ You walk so close, I fly/ And then a raindrop, At heaven in your arms.

Energy all around/ Energy in her eyes/ Energy to live this life/ Energy to love the man/ Energy to surrender to the world/ Energy to lift her heart/ Energy to surround with her arms/ Energy to dwell.

Untitled

Untitled

Living in the neverthought
of nobody's mind
I am lost in a sea
of forgetful hearts
Alone and cold
There is no one around
To find my way in night
How will I be found?

The despair is heavy
But lightness is surrounding the inside
I feel out
I am sunk in
The burning heart
The spirit stings with pain
Crushing despondency
Unsheltered loneliness
To find warmth in this freezing abyss
How will the love bind me?

Written by me. 2/12/2012

My thought after:
I have so much hope. I feel peace, but I am lonely.
I am wanting for arms around me, a kiss, a sign of love.
This feeling is like what I felt when my dad left.
I am happy but so sad.
I am confused about what I can do or should do.
The fix seems easy but why I must be strong, willful, and upright.

The fog.

The fog is very much how I feel in my life right now. Mostly the fog is like my relationship status. I am looking for my way through the haze. I am not sure if what I have found is really there. As I drive along, I think I see a car but it is just darkness. I think there is a trash can but it is a car. When will the fog clear so I can see what is true or not? When will I be safe at home out of the fog of uncertainty and loneliness?

It's never ordinary.

My pain may be simple but my methods of recovery were not. I was looking for a bandage to cover my loneliness wound and pain reliever for my heart ache instead of nursing and rehabilitating myself with love. I had not taken advantage of the hope and blessings around me. If you can do one thing while hurt, don't hurt yourself more. Don't be destructive and unhealthy. Love yourself first. If you have to tell others 'no', do so. In the end, it will be better if you can be healthy and in charge of yourself. Be patient, be kind, be at peace. Life is too short and we all have so much potential for greatness.  

5 years.

Everything that has happened in these past five years ceases to matter when I think upon the moment I found out you were gone. It was about 6 in the morning.The officers knocked on the door. Lil answered and came to wake me up. I was afraid when they asked to come in and then asked me to sit down on the couch. The officer said that you had been in an accident. He said you did not survive. I got onto the floor on my hands and knees. I couldn't believe it. They asked me where mom was. I couldn't figure it out at first. Lil asked me what happened. I told her you went to heaven. She teared up. She asked me "If daddy went to heaven does that mean mommy is going to heaven? And grandma? And grandpa? And you?" "Not right now" I said "but one day". She cried. I figured out mom must be working out in the clubhouse. The officers had already found her. I heard her cries as soon as she came through the exterior door of the apartment building. That was the most painful sound I ever heard. From that moment on the events of the day are a blur. I remember calling Ms. Carol from church to tell her what happened. I asked her to pray for my mom. We had no sleep. People from the church came to visit that morning. I couldn't eat or drink anything. I felt so empty. I cannot remember the condolences we were given. I remember walking in the cold without my coat. Outside seemed like a better less lonelier place than in the house. Other than that, I remember crying a lot. And not believing that you were gone.

Many moments in my mourning I have doubted life, death, the will of God, people. I have had regrets and shame. I have wondered where you are, because I feel you still but I cannot see you or touch you anymore. I have never doubted your complete love for me; and I thank you so much for your sacrifice, patience and love. You will always be my only Dad. I love you very much. Missing you always.

You are a treasure.

Do not let anyone tell that you are not worth more than all the riches in the world. You are a treasure. And the one that realizes that is the love of your life. If you feel mistreated, put down, unappreciated and taken advantage of, make a change for yourself. Do not put up with it for another day. Speak out for yourself. Speak out because you are a treasure. And don't forget to find value in the one you love. It is there, because they are a treasure too.

I have doubts.

Will I persevere? A few times a week I have thoughts of doubt. The world is set before me as an amusement park and access to it is free but optional. I am willing and able to enter yet I stand outside the gate waiting. What am I waiting for? Nothing has been gained in standing here. I am instead burdened with thoughts of doubt. Maybe I can't get in, maybe it won't be worth it, maybe I won't be happy when I've experienced what lies in the gates. And today instead of battling thoughts with thoughts, I took action. I walked through the gates, and I've liked the experience thus far. So, good night.